Memory
by Silverdanica
Summary: Whilst writing a letter to Remus, Sirius recalls when Remus wore gitter, and he fell head over heels. Sirius/Remus. Post-GOF. Some Velvet Goldmine references :D


Memory, by Danica   
Rating: PG-13/12A to be safe  
Summary: Sirius attempts to write a declaration of love to Remus, and gets all nostalgic about putting on make-up and falling in deep. Slash (s/r). Slightly angsty.  
Disclaimer: All mentioned belong to the wonderful JK Rowling and the genius Todd Haynes :-D (Except Jane, who only exists in my head and isn't worth the effort anyhow). No money made, copyright infringement intended etc.  
A/N: Thought I'd better get round to writing one of these, as I seem to have been hanging on the words of others for so long.  
James is Matt Hales of Aqualung. Sirius is youthful Tony Curtis with the eyes of my favourite Berowne (and latest Stalkee) Joseph Fiennes. Remus is Christian Bale meets Ralph Fiennes meets Malcolm McDowell (when they're not playing serial killers...)  
  
  
  
  
I guess I only really realised things had changed that December night at Hogwarts. Of course they must have been changing before that, but in the pubescent trap between adulthood and childhood, we always tend to cling desperately to the past. And even in the make-believe seclusion of the world Dumbledore had created for us at Hogwarts, uncertainty and denial were rife amongst all.  
  
Anyway, I had needed to stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas holidays and the Marauders had kindly offered to keep me company, at James' encouragement. It was obviously just a matter of coincidence that Potter's object of lust, Lily Evans, was, too, remaining at Hogwarts. Gods, I knew James too well.  
  
I can never quite recall which of us suggested that getting drunk was the ideal way for six lone Gryffindors to spend their Christmas Eve, but by 8 o'clock, James had 'mysteriously' appeared with 2 bottles of tequila, and Lily was sipping gleefully on white wine and applying glitter to her friend, Jane Grieves' face.  
  
"Have a slammer, Remus" I grinned at you, waving a bottle of tequila and shaking a tub of salt.  
  
"Ah, go on then. Why not?!" You grinned back holding your fist out for the salt, and grimacing briefly with the strength of the spirit. "Oh, I see James is making his move."  
  
I followed your gaze to James and Lily.  
  
"I bet that glitter would suit me," James was declaring to a somewhat surprised Lily.  
  
"Bet you'll regret this in the morning, James."  
  
"Never, Evans!" James exclaimed, sprawling in front of her with the grace of a flailing hippopotamus.  
  
"Where's the music?!" I suddenly asked, jumping to my feet. Of course, no Gryffindor party, however small, was complete without the company of our favourite glam rock idols blasting from the record player. "Mmm, Curt or Brian. What a choice..."  
  
And Slade and Wild - can't choose, have both! - sounded just as wonderful after several shots of dangerous muggle liquor.  
  
Before long, you, too, had succumbed to glitter, and Lily was transforming you into a fairy king. James and I watched you from the far side of the common room. It struck me that I must be completely obliterated: I was starting to find one of my closest friends quite fetching. The great Sirius Black didn't fancy normal people, he fancied icons and aficionados. But... silver surrounded those deep amber eyes, and dark red lipstick covered your pouted lips..  
  
James was glowering. "Why's she ignoring me?" He asked, grumpily.  
  
"Don't get jealous, Jamie," I slurred. "I'm sure Remus is fully aware that Evans is your territory, even if she doesn't know it yet."  
  
He was about to protest when Lily bounded over and fell onto James' lap. "Cheer up, Jamie!" she cooed, forcing a party hat onto his head. He grinned sheepishly, staring back at her, until she looked away nervously.  
  
"Ah, Sirius Black! I almost forgot to glitter you up, dear!"  
  
"Er.." I faltered. James was looking at me stonily and I didn't fancy his reproach. "No, you stay with Jamie, I should er - have a word with Remus."  
  
I dashed away, leaving James and Lily to resolve their alcohol-inflamed insecurities.  
  
You were slumped on the floor, leaning against a sofa, with a bottle of tequila in your hand and a lopsided party hat atop your head. "Alright Remus?" I said, sitting beside you.  
  
"Oh, Sirius! I am beyond drunk..."  
  
I laughed. "I'd better help you out with that bottle then," I said, grabbing it and taking a swig. I stared at you, considering, for a time, how pretty you looked. I reckoned it must have been because of the make-up. And the drink of course.  
  
"Sirius, you always help me out... I really love you, you know?"  
  
I frowned. "Yeah, I love you, too. We're best friends right?"  
  
You moaned desperately and buried your face in your hands. "Noooo..."  
  
"Remus?" I pulled your face up to look at me. "What on-"  
  
And all of a sudden your lips had pressed against mine. You were kissing me, I realised. And for a moment, I kissed back.  
  
"Merlin, Remus! We must be seriously drunk!" I said, attempting to laugh it off.  
  
"Did I see you two just KISSING?!" James cried from across the room, laughing slightly.  
  
You glared darkly; shockingly, in fact. "Sod off, Potter. I'm surprised you know what a kiss is, given how long you've been delaying doing anything with Lily." and you stormed upstairs to the dormitory, leaving us all completely stunned.  
  
Lily's giggles broke the silence. "So what exactly have you been delaying, Jamie?"  
  
I guess you helped them out there really, because James blushed furiously, and finally, kissed her.  
  
I didn't want to stick around: Peter and Jane were laughing and I had a feeling they would follow suit with Jamie and Lily before long. And I needed to resolve whatever was going on with you. I had found you attractive and we had kissed. Fine, except for you being my best friend. And male. I wasn't even sure that I was gay. Yeah, I fancied Brian Slade, but even Jamie fancied Brian.  
  
"Remus? You in here?" I called. "I've got the tequila." You appeared from by the window.  
  
"Gods, I could do with some of that."  
  
I hurried over and handed it to you. "I don't really know what to say, Remus."  
  
"Likewise," you murmured, hiding in the tequila you were guzzling.  
  
"Well, this is odd. We always have something to say."  
  
"Things have changed, Siri," you said plainly.  
  
Change. Oh, no, that's a very difficult word. In our old fantasyland, we were ethereal, and always comfortable. Maybe not truly happy, for we knew the perfection was a deception, but always the same. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. And Lily. That's just not the way it works though, not really.  
  
You laughed, as if reading my thoughts. "Don't worry, Sirius. You can pretend it didn't happen, if you like. We are drunk after all."  
  
Pretend it didn't happen. Did you really believe I could ever do that Moony? More to the point, *want* to do that?  
  
"Huh! Pretend it didn't happen?! You don't really think I could do that." (What can I say? When I'm drunk, the thoughts just seem to flood from my mouth.)  
  
"I'm sorry Sirius. I knew I would. I've ruined our friendship." You looked down, shifting uncomfortably.  
  
You had misunderstood me. "No. Remus..." and I looked at you. I didn't know whether everything I was feeling would fade when my sobriety returned, but in that moment, everything changed for me. The make-up was irrelevant, I just fancied you rotten. And, Merlin! I loved you too. I didn't know how I loved you, but I was simply crying out for you. For everything.. you.  
  
"Kiss me again, Remus."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, you heard me. Kiss me again, Remus. I might be going mad, but oh-"  
  
And you did, Remus, you beautiful, perfect thing. A wild, passionate kiss that caused your lipstick to smudge across both our faces. Forgetting myself, I pushed you up against a wall, rubbing myself against you and burying my face in your neck.  
  
You gasped and said breathlessly, "You're going to break my heart in the morning, I can tell."  
  
"No.. No.. " I mumbled, between kisses. "Things have changed, I know that now." I pulled back, clasping hold of your hands. "I don't know *how* I know, but this real. I'm certain."  
  
"Too much tequila, Sirius," you sang. "You don't know what you're feeling."  
  
"Oh shut up. I may be a bit of a moron, but I see it now. I know nothing of love, but somehow, I'm feeling for now. For you."  
  
Oh, the longing I felt! and gods Remus, the satisfaction as you closed the gap between us and as I pulled you to your bed.  
  
*  
  
The whole world changed that night I lost my virginity to my best friend. You may have thought that I was still lost in that Hogwarts dream, where we didn't have to think about Voldemort or feel those scary adult feelings, but that was over that night. I loved you forever, from that night...  
  
It hurts more than I can say to think of what we have had, and what we have lost. Remus, what happened to us after Hogwarts? I know you think that it was only then that I was growing up, growing away from you, and my love for you was only part of my childhood. But I never meant that. I never wanted it that way.  
  
It was at those times that tequila wasn't so fine. You drank to drown you sorrows, and although I tried to tell you I still loved you, all the paranoia was too much.  
  
And then I was made secret-keeper. Gods, if I could take that back. Dumbledore should have been secret-keeper. He never would have changed things without telling you, and killed his friends.. You must have been angry because you thought I was shutting you out. I had stupidly, *stupidly* believed that you were just frustrated at not having the chance to get to the Potters. It's easy to blame Peter, but it was me and you, also. My fault.  
  
How did we ever let that suspicion ruin us? How did I? Those were terrible times, Remus, and they are coming again. And I am worried that I am unable to deal with them, once more.  
  
Last year, Remus, you said you would forgive me, and I you. Can you Remus? Could you ever have it all taken back?  
  
Because I am coming to you now, Remus. Coming to find out if you will be by my side in the war, and after. I've even left Buckbeak to travel on a storage train for you! I write this to you now, because when I see your face again, I doubt I will be able to speak for your beauty. And I need you to know, somehow, Remus, for I am sure you have often doubted it, that I love you, and will for all time. 


End file.
